If you’re a man in a relationship with a woman, one thing you’re certain to have noticed is that she needs constant reassurance.
Video – How to Ask For Reassurance Without Blame
It doesn’t matter that you reassured her yesterday about some aspect of her appearance, or the shape of her body, or the size of her breasts, or whether she’s doing OK at work, or whether the relationship is going well, or whether you loved her … strangely enough, she needs the same reassurance today.
Why is that? What is that about, and why is it so frustrating for men, who think that when they’ve reassured their partner about something, that should be the end of the matter and she “shouldn’t” need further reassurance?
And how does this fit into the overall scheme of pleasuring a woman? What, in short, pleases a woman most?
The first aspect of this problem is that in general women’s self-esteem is very fragile.
Women are programmed from a very early age to judge their worth by how they look, by external standards imposed by the media and the fashion industry. It’s a very painful situation to be in.
If you think about it, there’s a parallel with the adolescent boys in the locker room at school, where physical development is an all-important symbol of how masculine you are and how much respect you get from other boys. You can read more about men and this issue here and here.
How a woman looks, specifically around her weight, determines how much respect she gets from both men and women.
You might think that’s sad, you might think it’s tragic, but the reality is that women’s self-esteem is very dependent on reassurance from the world around them, and especially from the men with whom they are in relationship. Getting your favorable opinion pleases your woman more than just about anything (except perhaps you taking the time and trouble to pleasure her in bed).
A man who really knows how to please a woman is able to see the need for reassurance and deal with it whole-heartedly and empathically.
No matter how much men may judge women, one harsh reality is that they are unquestionably judging themselves much more harshly. In this respect it’s certainly true that women do themselves no favors, by admiring the qualities of other women, and even expressing this (e.g.: “I’d give anything to have your complexion.”)
That’s demeaning to women in general and to the individual who says it in particular, and it’s no way for a woman to build up her self-esteem and establish true independence.
And, having said that, there is some truth in the assertion that women like to look good for men. Over and over again, men express a desire for good looks in a woman.
Even if they claim that they don’t particularly want to be with a very good-looking woman, they still have an aesthetic appreciation of a woman’s appearance, and it undoubtedly determines who they want to be seen with in some way. In fact, it is very pleasing and satisfying for a man to be with a woman who is making an effort to appear smart and sexy. (Of course, she’d like you to do the same thing.)
Video – the difference between men and women
Men contribute to women’s insecurity around body fat, too. Men often make remarks about a woman’s weight; mostly, they don’t like their partner to put weight on, and they aren’t always sensitive about the way they express this preference. Yet when you talk to women you begin to realize that it really is very hard indeed for them to exert control over their body weight: certainly it’s much harder for them than it is for a man.
And this insecurity just goes on and on and on — she talks about getting old, about her weight, her body shape, her looks, her dress sense, whether any or all of this pleases you or not. It seems this insecurity is based on her need to feel wanted, her need to feel appreciated and desired — and, or course, the fear of not being wanted, desired or appreciated.
Whatever you think about this it’s easy enough for you, as a man, to offer a degree of reassurance that costs you nothing but makes a real difference to your partner.
If you think it’s not up to you to boost her self-esteem, to please her, then there might be some serious questions to be asked about the health of your relationship. You see, pleasing a woman goes well beyond the bedroom and how you treat her in there. Pleasing a woman is about how you treat her in the entire relationship.
Nowhere is female and male insecurity clearer for a man than when it comes to dealing with a strong, capable, independent woman, often one who has a successful career in business. Many men see the conquest of a woman like this as a challenge. But this type of woman tends to need a man who is equal to herself and who doesn’t feel threatened by a strong woman.
Independence, after all, should mean that you don’t need to rely on somebody else for your sense of well-being. So, if you’re intimidated by successful women, the only hope of you having a successful relationship with one is to find a healthy way of relating to her…. of pleasing her without giving away yourself too much (or indeed at all).
And this means finding a way of making your needs for emotional and physical satisfaction complementary, rather than fulfilling the simple equation of helpless, needy woman making up to a strong protector and provider.
Simple Answers To Difficult Questions
When she asks you if she looks fat, or or if her “ass looks big in this” (or similar “trick” questions), be aware of what’s actually underneath the question.
You might tell her that, actually, it’s the fat on her ass that makes her ass look big, not the clothes she’s wearing. But that probably won’t help either of you much. It certainly won’t please her very much!
If she asks you to choose one pair of shoes from two, and you do, she may then ask you if you don’t like the other pair, leaving you feeling like every other man who’s been in this situation — that you’re beating your head against a brick wall to no avail.
Why does she do this kind of thing? In simple terms, she asks you a question, you answer, she doesn’t believe your answer, so she goes on asking further questions to test you. This pattern is unhelpful, indeed it’s actually quite destructive of trust, and it’s a very unhealthy compulsion.
When a woman won’t accept a man’s answer to her question and goes on trying to get him to say what she really wants to hear, it’s likely that her low self-esteem may be getting in the way of reality.
Of course it’s the fat that makes her look fat. Of course it’s the lines on her face that make her look old. That’s what she believes, and that’s what she expects to hear, no matter how much you reassure her.
But what’s even worse is when she’s actually quite slim, or she has no lines on her face. When it’s all in her mind, this tends to develop into a situation where you really can’t win. What, you may well wonder, will really please her in this situation?
The first thing you have to do here is decide whether she wants a true answer or she wants reassurance. If she wants a true answer, than making some observation that implies you’ve actually thought about what you’re saying can be helpful: for example, you can give the reasons why you like her shoes or her dress or her haircut.
Simply saying you don’t know will sound like you don’t care, or give her a blank canvas on which to paint all kinds of negativity. To please a woman, you need to give her a better answer.
And a better answer combines reassurance and information. So for example: “You don’t look fat; in fact you look very sexy when you wear those clothes because they show off your breasts to perfection.”
You see, what I mean when I say knowing how to please a woman is an art, not a science?
Just Leave Me Alone, Godammit!
“Is something wrong?” The question every man dreads. Find out more about it here.
Even as I wrote that I could feel myself groaning internally! That horrible question. It pops up when you’re just pondering something and you don’t wish to share it with her. Next, she starts asking “What are you thinking about? You’re very quiet. Is everything all right?” You see, she thinks she can please you by doing what she would expect someone to do for her…. have a conversation about her problems. Yes, men want to think about things, and women want to talk about them. An eternal difference!
This kind of paranoia can drive a man up the wall. And even when you tell her nothing is wrong, she won’t leave it alone! What the hell is this behavior about?
It’s about her insecurity. It’s about the fact that she thinks you’re reflecting on the state of your relationship, and because you won’t tell her, she’s done something wrong.
The only way to deal with this effectively is to answer honestly: “Yes, I have a problem at work, and I’m thinking it through, and it doesn’t involve you.” That’s much more reassuring than simply saying nothing is wrong and walking out of the room.
The problem, of course, is that she’s assuming you’re thinking about something she’s done or said that’s bothering you – and that’s a threat to her security. So once again, reassurance is what’s required.
And at this point, if you’re wondering why you’re in a relationship when it seems so challenging and difficult, just remember the benefits: there’s no greater source of support, affection, love, fun, and regular sex than in an intimate relationship with another human being. When it’s going well, that is.