The Elusive Female Orgasm
Before we get into the specific techniques that lead a woman to the ultimate sexual pleasure in bed (orgasm), let’s just discuss the elusive female orgasm.
For women, reaching orgasm is much harder than it is for men: it’s not only about stimulation in the body, it’s about relaxing into the right state of mind – which basically can be summed up as relaxed, open and trusting.
This state of mind doesn’t necessarily come easily: it depends on a woman knowing she’s not under any kind of performance pressure from her man, at the same time she needs to know that he’s going to be patient and loving as he helps a move towards her climax.
Video – the Female Orgasm
A tactless question such as: “Are you nearly there yet?” will stop her dead in her tracks.
As you probably already know, a woman needs to lose herself in the physical experience of your stimulation, with plenty of time and space to reach orgasm (or not) at her own pace.
One problem men have with female sexuality is that they see their ability to please a woman (i.e. to give her full satisfaction during physical intimacy) as being a badge of their manhood, masculinity, or skill as a lover.
In fact you can only facilitate a woman’s journey to orgasmic pleasure by giving her the right conditions to explore whether or not she’s going to come on that particular session of lovemaking.
She may come, she may not; whether she does reach orgasm or not only partly depends on what you’re doing – it also depends on many factors inside her head which you may never know about.
Not all of those are simple – sometimes, sadly, she may feel the need to please you by pretending to reach a climax. One reason is that men think a woman needs to have an orgasm to enjoy sex. The truth is that a woman can enjoy sex and be very satisfied by the connection with her lover even if she doesn’t reach a climax.
But when you (her lover) begin to think that sex can only be great if she does come, then problems soon develop.
And that brings up the painful question of “faking it“. The main reason women do this is because men put pressure on them to reach orgasm (it’s a bit like men lying to a woman because that’s easier than being straight and honest in the face of her emotionality).
Women then feel inadequate about not being able to reach a climax. But nothing’s simple in this area, for sure.
A man often asks his partner the tactless questions that make her feel pressurized and so render her unable to come just because he has a great desire to please her. When we conducted a survey among a group of men, over 50% said that it was “very important” to their pleasure that their female partner had an orgasm!
What you need to do if you’re a man who takes pride and pleasure in making his partner come (and don’t we all?) is to chill out and relax, stop seeing her orgasm as your property, and stop putting pressure on her to come.
All of that stuff will probably spoil the experience for her.
Pleasure In Bed and Orgasm Do NOT Always Go Together
When you ask men why they feel it’s so important that their partner has an orgasm they tend to say things like: “Giving her an orgasm makes me feel like a great lover” or “Taking her to orgasm makes me feel like a man”.
And of course it is very arousing to see a woman work up to, and explode into, her climax.
Unfortunately, the problem here is that this attitude is primarily about your pleasure rather than hers. Of course, many women do want to be pleasured (passively) and like their man to take them to orgasm during sex (as opposed to ensuring they pleasure themselves through masturbation).
In short, the bottom line seems to be this: don’t put pressure on her to come. Just think about what women really want in bed. Accept that your woman can enjoy sex without an orgasm. Remember that she might be well on the way to orgasm and it can suddenly disappear. That may be frustrating, but it’s not your fault, so don’t take it personally.
Video – The Elusive Female Orgasm
Remember she may not even know if she wants to come until quite some way into your bedroom fun and games. (Yes, I know this is hard to believe: you’re a man and you can’t imagine having sex without an orgasm. Trust me, it’s different for women.)
As I mentioned before the pressure that women feel to please their man is one of the key factors that leads them to “fake it” during sex.
And another one is that some women don’t wish to appear demanding by asking for the time and space that they need to take their own, naturally slower route to orgasm.
The key here is extended foreplay and a loving attitude on your part, though it is good to negotiate a “quickie” every now and then.
(That’s an episode of sex where you both agree that you, the man, can be as self-centered as you like, and just get off with your partner during intercourse as quickly as you like without worrying about her pleasure.)
I trust I don’t need to mention the fact that there are almost no women who can reach orgasm through intercourse alone.
Vaginal Intercourse is Not A Route To Female Pleasure
Video – Why Women Don’t come During Sex
Part of the reason for this is that intercourse lasts only a few minutes for the vast majority of couples.
After years of working with men in this area I’ve come to accept that rapid ejaculation is a natural aspect of male sexuality, and almost all men find it difficult, if not impossible, to control their climaxes.
So if you want to be a compassionate, caring lover, and to make sure that your partner doesn’t feel the need to fake an orgasm during intercourse, then you need to ensure she gets to enjoy her climax through some other means.
And that’s simple: when she’s aroused through foreplay, you take her to orgasm through oral sex or masturbation – if she wants you to do so. After she’s satisfied, she’ll be much more receptive and want to make love to you, and, incidentally, you’ll enjoy it a lot more because her vagina will still be warm and swollen after her climax.
This is indeed a glorious state of arousal for her, often one which will lead to female ejaculation – if you want to know how to make a woman squirt, check out this site.
It’s not a perfect recipe for sexual harmony and pleasing a woman in bed — which I happen to believe is achieved through orgasm during intercourse, and preferably close together — but it meets most couples’ needs, and it’s an extremely good way of building intimacy, trust and rapport, and therefore ultimately strengthening your relationship.
Pleasing A Woman In Bed
If at this point, you’re still wondering if there’s a foolproof way to tell if a woman has had an orgasm, shame on you!
What about open and honest communication? Can’t you just ask? Now, there’s an interesting thought. If you ask her “did you come?” what answer do you want or expect to hear?
One thing that might help you get an insight into your partner’s enjoyment of sex with you is how wet she becomes, since wetness equals arousal (it’s equivalent to you getting an erection, at least in terms of sexual excitement). But even that isn’t foolproof because there are a lot of women who get excited and don’t experience vaginal lubrication in any quantity.
One of the things that’s truly startling for any sex researcher is how many women have never, ever experienced an orgasm.
There are many reasons why men have so many orgasms and women don’t: not least because men experience their own sexuality from very early on in life — after all your penis was there to be played with from Day One!
Women don’t have the same obvious external signs of their sexuality, particularly as children, and even as adults they may miss the signs of arousal that their body gives them. (A good example of this is the fact that women often lubricate in response to erotic films, but when asked if they feel sexually aroused will almost always say “no”. Being aroused in the body is enough for a man to want sex; it’s certainly not enough for a woman to want sex.)
One of the more unfortunate consequences of this is that a woman often finds it difficult to explain what she wants when she is in a relationship, or even when she’s enjoying what you’re doing to her.
This is frustrating for men – why can’t a woman communicate her sexual needs? After all, it’s totally obvious to us men what we like, what we enjoy, and what we want more of during intimacy with our lover, so why can’t it be as easy for a woman?
The answer is always lies in how we’re brought up and in our conditioning: as a generality, women simply aren’t brought up to be sexual creatures, they’re taught to be “clean”, not to play with themselves, and certainly not to show off or talk about their sexual organs or their sense of sexual arousal.
Many women are inhibited about the cleanliness of their sexual organs, and many of them have never explored their own bodies in any detail. Though this may sound shocking, you need to be prepared for it: coming across a woman who’s never had an orgasm can be very unnerving, especially if she’s never played with her own clitoris either.
And as for masturbation, well, that’s another issue altogether! Many women don’t masturbate, and although women may be eager to tell each other all the details of their sex lives (something I’m led to believe happens all the time), apparently they don’t talk to each other about masturbation.
If there’s any difficulty around orgasm or other sexual issues like this in your woman’s life, then it may help to start the process of opening her up to her sexuality by reading some of the mutual pleasuring experiences on this website, but perhaps even more importantly, you need to actually try doing some of those things together: mutual pleasuring can be a real turn on, and may well open up a whole new area of your sexuality.
Pleasing a woman isn’t just about making the right moves, as you will realize by now. Even if you’re feeling tired, grumpy, think it’s taking her too long to get to orgasm, and you want to enjoy your own orgasm, pleasing a woman can still be a source of great satisfaction and self-esteem to a man.
All women who have a man who feels this way needs to celebrate the fact that he LOVES being ABLE to please her – and ACTUALLY pleasing her!
But, unfortunately, a lot of men don’t feel the same way. If you’re a man who gets resentful when expected to pleasure a woman, one option for you is to put a lot of energy into making her feel good. That’s always a good strategy, of course, but it’s even more important if orgasms are not that important to her.
In this case you can enjoy the sensuality of intimate contact, and you can find out what she wants by asking her directly: “What would you like me to do?” When you ask this, make it seem like a pleasure, rather than a duty that you reluctantly undertake for her.
All in all, then, to make it as likely as possible that your female partner will enjoy sex, that you’ll be able to take her to orgasm, you need to create a mood that’s as relaxed as possible. You need to be patient, tolerant, and willing to go on for as long as it takes before she reaches orgasm.
You need to enjoy slow and sensual acts of touch, kissing and mutual caressing with her; you need to be emotionally intimate with her; and enjoy lots of foreplay (even if it’s boring for you); above all, you need to make sure she’s fully aroused by the time you’re both ready for penetrative lovemaking.
Engage in open and honest communication – that way you’ll know what she needs to satisfy her. Be open to asking her questions about what she wants, and reassure her that your intention is that both of you receive the maximum pleasure possible. In responding to her answers, it’s not only about what she says on the surface: you have to interpret what she means in the unspoken subtext.
Until she’s confident and trusting enough to directly tell you the truth about how she’s feeling what she wants, you may have to do a certain amount of decoding and interpretation. If you take the time and trouble to do this you’ll earn her trust and the rewards will far outweigh your expectations.