Sexual Boredom

Orgasm Or More?

Obviously if knowing how to please a woman in bed is about giving her orgasms, then one of the most important questions facing us is why sex appears to become boring for the majority of long-term couples.

There’s no question that a woman’s pleasure and satisfaction in a relationship is directly related to how often a couple make love, and how often she experiences orgasm.

So, on the face of it, the sexual boredom which seems to set in for so many couples, poses an obvious question about how a woman can truly remain pleased with her relationship.

Yet sexual boredom is not a big problem to overcome – the issue seems to be that most couples simply don’t know how to do it. It’s not a biological thing – as you might already have guessed, it’s an emotional or psychological thing.

Video – sexual boredom – how to avoid it

Losing desire for your partner is not about an evolutionary imperative for men to mate with as many women as possible: if that were true, why would so many women report that sex has died out in their relationship while the husband continues to masturbate over porn on his PC at night while she’s asleep? He still feels horny – it’s a matter of context.

To please a woman – or to please a man – you have to understand that sex is a process which starts in the mind (or the brain) and travels down to the genitals, not the other way round.

And here is the key: you cannot possibly be aroused if you feel that your relationship with your partner is dependent (in either direction) or codependent, or if you’re worried about him or her, or if you feel guilty about him or her.

Equally, you’re not going to get aroused if you’re feeling rejected or sexually or emotionally inferior.

In other words, this is about the relationship on an emotional level.  

A lot of websites put a great deal of emphasis on caring and consideration – and indeed on this website we have mentioned that. We know consideration and care increases a woman’s pleasure with a sexual relationship, which suggests a focus on the woman’s needs, but I also want to emphasize that if you know how to please a woman, then you can also be selfish, and look after your own needs.

You see, when you’re too attuned to your partner’s needs, somebody is going left out of the equation: yourself.

In other words, learning to live in a good relationship that satisfies both partners on every level, and allows sexual desire to burn brightly between them is about learning to keep the balance between being selfish and being focused on your partner.

About learning, if you prefer, how to stay connected and separate at the same time.

The Power Of The Brain

What this means in practical terms is that you need to be separate enough to allow yourself to surrender to your own pleasure while at the same time not worrying too much that your partner is getting the pleasure he or she needs.

And this goes slightly against the grain for a lot of men, who are “programmed” to think that it’s a man’s job to please a woman sexually….. of course, men do derive great pleasure and satisfaction from pleasing a woman.

Truth is, there’s no doubt that bringing woman to orgasm can boost a man’s ego and self-confidence enormously. But – as we’ve seen – this kind of relationship, this formula for a relationship, seems to lead to sexual boredom, which leads to or (or can lead to) the death of sex.

Intimacy

And intimacy is often touted as the key to a successful relationship but in fact it actually runs counter to the separateness needed for the polarity of male and female to come together in the energetic discharge of great sex.

When a couple are too intimate with each other, with high levels of security, giving and receiving caretaking, and more than anything else feeling understood at such a deep level that you begin to wonder if your partner knows you better than you do, libido and sexual attraction may falter.

No wondering about this more cogently and intelligently the David Schnarch who emphasizes the need for individuation in relationship (rather than merging) to maintain good sex.

Whose responsibility is it - the man or the woman - to bring the woman to orgasm?
Whose responsibility is it – the man or the woman – to please the woman in a relationship?

But don’t make a mistake here. You shouldn’t assume that this unhealthy closeness is the same as knowing somebody well enough to understand exactly what will satisfy them sexually.

You can know how to please a partner in a relationship – particularly when it comes to a man knowing how to please a woman – even when you maintain separateness and individuality. When, in other words, you avoid merging with your partner. This does not prevent you from knowing what turns them on sexually and indeed pleasing them sexually.

People can become very upset about the decline in sexual frequency in a long term relationship along with the decline in orgasmic frequency that both partners would enjoy, but they don’t know what to do about it.

Making Passion Burn Brightly

Some things help even if you don’t know about the psychology of sexual desire: one of them is to just “insist on” sex, or to actually program sex into your diaries so that you know this is a time it’s going to be reserved for you.

And that’s a great approach, even if you don’t initially feel aroused or horny enough to want sex – because you soon will when you get your clothes off and you’re cuddling in bed!

And when you do this, you’ll find your relationship improves, and you’re both more than pleased with the quality of your emotional life inside and outside the bedroom.

Get naked and get turned on!
Get naked and get turned on!

So if you’re at the stage where you’re saying that you’d rather have a cup of tea than sex, or some other banal statement, then don’t look for a new partner, don’t write off the partner you’ve got, thinking that the problem lies in them.

More than anything else, don’t simply assume that you can live without sex because “it’s not that important anymore”.

If you try living a life like that, you may feel very unfulfilled, and women in particular are probably going to feel unhappy and displeased.

Furthermore, when you are not having sex, you’re not bonding in your relationship, so it is, at least to some degree, at risk.

What will help you, more than anything else to want to be physical with your particular partner?

Maybe one of the things you need to start with is questioning whether or not the same thing you’ve been doing over and over again since the day you met is contributing to sexual boredom (and perhaps even boredom with each other in some way).

Those little routines you’ve developed, those little names by which you call each other (knowing even as you do that you’re not being sincere about the meaning behind them), and all the other behaviours which you feel are dull and boring, but you carry on practicing in your relationship – maybe you can start by changing those little things?

According to a report in the Journal of sex and marital therapy around half of men and women are unhappy with the frequency of sex in their relationship.

It’s not a simple matter – the reason sex dies in a  long-term relationship is because of a combination of factors: sexual motivation, sex drive, libido, desire, affection, love, emotional separation or merging….. all these things and more affect both the desire for sex and the ability to have satisfying sex which pleases the woman and pleases the man.

One interesting piece of scientific research shows that by sometimes when you try to stimulate sex between you and your partner,  perhaps by adopting new and very different, and perhaps quite extreme or arousing sexual practices you may both end up more dissatisfied and unhappy than you were before.

For example, when a couple start trying to please each other – in particular when the woman starts trying please the man by adopting certain sexual practices (role-playing, wearing sexy clothing, or even trying anal sex) – often the outcome is that the woman starts to withhold sex.

This seems to happen because women realize this sexual escalation can’t continue indefinitely, and when it reaches a conclusion, there’s nowhere for the man to go but to another woman (or porn on his PC, maybe).

Buy why does intense stimulation promote discontent and displeasure?

It seems to be something to do with biochemistry of the brains of the two partners working in different ways, or rather, working to different sexual-demand-and-desire schedules.

Among the factors controlling this are the male androgen receptors which become less sensitive to testosterone after ejaculation and can take up to a week to recover.

Other chemicals, hormones in the opioid family, are released during copulation and hang around in the bloodstream for a while, probably leading to a decline in sexual responsiveness.

There might also be a drop in dopamine, which is a chemical in the brain essential for sense of well-being.

I guess you can see that if all these things happen at different rates in the two partners’ brains (which, in most cases they do), there’s a real potential for sexual mismatch or discomfort or…..well, let’s call it “disharmony”. End result – it’s easier to avoid sex altogether.

Brain Chemistry Is Everything

But regardless of the exact neurochemistry going on here, we do know that there’s a change in brain chemistry after orgasm, and it causes a decrease in responsivity to sexual stimuli.

And the brain being the complex mechanism that it is, it’s likely that one partner in a couple will need more stimulation than the other before they feel the same desire, the same pleasurable response. This makes it very possible that one or other partner in a couple will start to find other possible sexual partners more appealing than their existing one.

Strangely enough a certain percentage – it seems to be around 13% –  of couples are immune to the phenomenon of sexual habituation, but the rest are not.

Maybe these couples simply have a genetic compatibility which leaves them immune from the variability of hormones and chemicals in their brains after sex – we simply don’t know.

Long term relationships

But we do know that feeling indifferent to a mate in long-term relationship (I mean sexually) is probably all about how the brain works.

As well as the hormonal stuff, the brain is registering the subtle stimulation that contributes to sexual desire such as affection, love and companionship.

Maybe that’s why we crave intense stimulation of some kind – a new partner or intense pornography on the Internet.

Basically, being able to continue pleasing your partner is about being in sexual sync with your partner.

A man who wants sex when his partner is not ready for it (“No, I’ve got a headache!”) might think he’s being rebuffed, and conclude that his partner doesn’t care about his needs.

She might feel that the only thing that is important to her man is getting sex (“We haven’t had it for weeks and I have my needs!”)

Neither of these dynamics is likely to lead to harmony, and it’s certainly not going to allow a man to please his woman, or indeed let a woman to please her man .

So what’s the answer?

One common end point of this conflictual situation is to deal with the incompatibility by avoiding sex altogether.

Men can reduce their urge by using porn, whereas women may not feel the urge at all because they don’t feel they are loved or appreciated in the way that would make them want sex.

Another outcome some couples adopt is to try and negotiate their way around their sexual difficulties and differences. For example, one couple I know spent two months each week in separate bedrooms.

But let’s face it, if you think that pleasing your partner requires moving out of the bedroom for half the time, then there’s is probably a little bit more work to be done on your basic strategy for recovering sexual compatibility.

One approach, believe it or not, is to use techniques such as Tantra and Karezza which promote anejaculation (no ejaculation). This can be a great way of discovering a totally new approach to knowing how to please a woman for a man stuck in the sexual trap of long term relationships.

Pleasing to both partners, such practices generate intimacy, but you don’t have the neurochemical “come-down” afterwards which can cause the basic root of sexual avoidance (some folks call it “boredom”) – an incompatibility of sexual needs.