Mindfulness and Sexual Pleasure

As you know, if you’ve been ever been in a relationship with a woman, the secrets of pleasing  a woman in bed can be somewhat elusive.

But men, being focused on problem solving, often think that trying different techniques (either in foreplay, or unusual sexual positions) might turn up the heat sufficiently for a woman to burst into the flames of passion and have an orgasm.

Unfortunately, as you know if you’ve ever been in a relationship with a woman, these techniques and strategies probably won’t work at all.

Certainly some women are sometimes pleased with new sexual antics in bed, but most of the time it takes a lot more than a novel sex position to turn a woman on.

So what’s the secret to pleasing a woman in bed, pleasuring her satisfactorily, and making sure that you both end up with great levels of sexual satisfaction?

Well, one major factor is how she thinks during sexual activity. A sexologist has published a study in the journal Sexologies in which she claims that women who think about erotic thoughts and focus on the sensations they feel in their body during sex are more likely to have an orgasm.

So what does this really mean for men who are trying to pleasure a woman?

Obviously sexual pleasure isn’t just physiological – for which read bodily sensations – it’s also about thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the brain.

That old cliche about “a woman’s biggest sex organ being her mind” obviously has a lot of truth in it – but how do mind and body go together in a way that makes a woman more likely to orgasm?

Intrepid researchers at the University of Ottawa investigated 250 Frenchwoman between the ages of 18 and 67, of whom 75 said they had difficulty reaching orgasm during sexual play with their partners.

The researchers asked them to complete a questionnaire. This revealed details of the emotions, thoughts, feelings and behaviors which make it easy (or not) for women to orgasm.  

The study author, Pascal De Sutter, found that neither group of women had any difficulty reaching orgasm when they were pleasing themselves (self-stimulation).  In other words, during masturbation, women appear to be easily able to focus on erotic fantasies.

And that seems to help them reach orgasm.

The women who said they were not orgasmic during intercourse – meaning that they had difficulty reaching orgasm during sex with a partner – found it problematic or difficult to focus their attention on what was going on in their bodies or their minds during sex with a partner.

This seems to be because they were having difficulty avoiding thoughts and feelings about their body, their looks, and perhaps even their weight.

In other words, they were too self-conscious to let go and allow themselves to fully enter the sexual experience.

So what does this mean for a man trying to find out how to please a woman in bed?

A man needs to encourage his woman to let go, and he needs to give all the reassurance he can so as to encourage her to relinquish doubts and fears about her appearance or desirability.

Obviously, any man who is making love to a woman needs to encourage her to let go of her concerns, and provide an environment in which she feels safe and secure, and in which she can focus on what’s happening in the bedroom without worrying about what’s going on outside.

But in addition, he needs to encourage her to let go of concerns about her appearance – with large amounts of masculine reassurance.

If the ability to focus the mind directly on sexual fantasy or physical sensation is a critical part of reaching orgasm, then women need to take reassurance at face value from their men, accept it, and change their behavior and beliefs to suit that new frame of reference.

Mindfulness & Orgasm

In addition, it seems that mindfulness can be a useful technique to help women who are experiencing any sexual dysfunction such as low sexual desire, inability to orgasm, or sexual pain.

Mindfulness is about focusing on the moment, in other words being fully aware of what’s happening in the moment – that is to say, being aware of the sensations your body is giving you.

Marsha Lucas, a psychologist, says that the best way to enjoy sex more is to change how the brain operates . She’s a fan of mindfulness – and she sums it up simply like this: “Actually being there when you’re having sex”.

She means not just being there physically, but also being fully present in every other way – as she puts it, “in thought word and deed”.

It’s not about adding sex props, role-play, or toys, it’s simply about bringing your whole attention to sex and showing up and tuning in she also puts it “to the moment, yourself and your partner.”

How is this to be achieved?

She talks about how you need a better flow of information between body and brain. Making it easier for bodily sensations to flow up into the lower part of the brain where the sensations are analyzed, and then even flow further into the cortical areas of the brain where the sensations can be understood and interpreted.

She gives an example of a couple who might be making love when suddenly the woman becomes aware of the fact that her partner doesn’t seem to be devoted to pleasing her in bed, but is just going through the motions. 

As a response to that, her body goes into fight or flight response, exactly the opposite  state to what’s needed for enjoyable sex, not least because mentally it takes you away from what’s happening and physically it reduces blood flow to the genitals.

But if a woman is fully aware of what’s going on, and she is fully attuned to her partner, then she will be in touch with all the bodily sensations and feelings that are part of good sex, and these feelings become magnified as she focuses on them.

What’s more, it works in both ways: when you become better at feeling these things in the body, you become better at expressing feelings through the body.

You can also read your partner’s body and see what they’re thinking and feeling as well. All of this gives you better attunement and connection with your partner during lovemaking.

Strangely enough, it seems that mindfulness meditation practice actually makes the brain better at establishing these connections.

So there you have it: if you want better sex, take up mindfulness.

If you’re a man who wants to please a woman in bed, pleasure her and fully satisfy her in bed, then encourage your partner to take up mindfulness. Mind you, that doesn’t absolve you of the responsibility to find ways to please your woman in bed!