Foreplay and Sex – 2

Enjoying Sex To The Full

One of the areas where you may find disagreements easily arise between yourself and your partner is in the arena of sex.

What does it actually mean to you both? Who has the greatest desire to pleasure who? Do you see sex as something for you or something for both of you? Do you feel drawn to pleasure your woman before yourself?

Women draw a huge distinction between making love and having sex: Love involves romance, intimacy, tenderness and feeling appreciated and love. Sex involves physical relief and sensual pleasure in bed, if not the pleasure of orgasm.

For you, as a man, the terms “making love” and “having sex” are probably interchangeable, but they’re certainly not for your female partner. By making love she infers “romantic pleasure” and by having sex she infers “being pleasured” or “you knowing how to pleasure her” (rather than her, that is!)

If you feel frustrated by her need for romance, keep in mind that she may be equally frustrated by your need for the pure physicality of sex, and, above all, tell her after you’ve enjoyed her body how much the experience meant to you, how much you care for her, and — if it’s true — how much you love her.

Equally, if you want her to be more exciting and adventurous in bed, you need to be tactful in encouraging her to find a more outward, open and perhaps more physical expression of her sexuality. Trust me guys, every woman has a wild goddess in them, but sometimes it takes a bit of finding!

The interesting thing is that with the right approach on your part, not only will she want to find it, but she’ll explore it to the full and you’ll both really enjoy the pleasure she can give you.

Video – Sexual Fantasies

Finally, what about sexual fantasies? Well, it’s a delicate area, if only because some of our  fantasies are shocking to our partners, and certainly they’d be challenging to act out.

Against this background, you need to be tactful about how much you reveal about your fantasies. For one thing most fantasies are better left as fantasies; if you feel that you want to share them, or act them out, then tact and discretion are the watchwords.

Move slowly in revealing, or in encouraging your partner to reveal, the nature of your fantasies. It’s probably better to simply talk about fantasies than act them out, but if you’re both happy with the idea of fleshing them out, move slowly here: take a step at a time, and be ready to stop whenever either of you feels uncomfortable.

It’s a huge area of trust: to reveal these things to your partner takes courage, so they should be treated with respect. I remember the first time I revealed a fantasy to partner who then laughed about the content. This was so shaming that it significantly destroyed my trust in her, and with it my desire to open up to her again.

As far as helping a woman to understand that fantasies are natural and nothing to worry about, no matter what form they take, you might want to buy Nancy Friday’s accounts of women’s fantasies: they put into perspective the fact that women have just as a wild a time inside their minds as men do!

While porn may be easier and simpler in some ways, real sex with real people is a lot more rewarding in the long run.
While porn may be easier and simpler in some ways, real sex with real people is a lot more rewarding in the long run.

If you like porn, be careful about sharing it with your partner. Much porn is abusive and denigrating of women, and in my opinion often expresses men’s repressed anger or rage towards women. Having said that, there are some websites which are more tasteful than others, and you should search these out if you really feel you must share porn with your partner.

(In my opinion, it’s much better and healthier to wean yourself off porn and to engage in real sex with real people: that way you face the real challenges of a genuine relationship in the real world, and you don’t experience the guilt, shame or self disgust that tends to develop after you’ve obtained physical release using porn.)

Your woman may believe that a man who uses porn, or even a man who masturbates, while he’s in relationship with her can’t possibly find her attractive. It’s a big sticking point. Yet, as a man I know that’s usually untrue because we all have the need for quick, simple physical release; and, from time to time, we all enjoy a session of self-pleasuring with no strings attached.

Try and understand that women don’t see it that way: they feel excluded. In fact, some women feel so threatened by this that it will be impossible to reassure them. If you’re with one of them, you can at least try telling her that this has nothing whatever to do with her and it does not in any way reflect how you feel about her.

Above all, be compassionate and understanding, don’t get angry and defensive, and keep on reassuring her how much you appreciate and love her. Open and honest communication are essential for breaking down such barriers.

What If She’s Not A Very Sexual Woman?

Even though many of us men like to think that we have a deft technique in bed, a technique that pleases women, and that leads them to the greatest pleasure during physical intimacy with us, the sad reality (as reported by women themselves) is that many of us are actually rather inadequate as lovers, and even the vast majority of us fail to take account of our lover’s needs, if not all the time, at least occasionally.

And since we are programmed to believe that we lead during sex, being with a woman who needs encouragement to develop her sexuality and sexual responses tends to make us move too fast, without taking account of what she needs to get pleasure out of the encounter.

A crucial thing for most women is to know that the man she’s with is not judging her, either for the pleasure she’s taking during sex, or for the inhibitions that she has yet to lose. (For example, if or when you explore the outer reaches of female sexuality, such as discovering how to make a woman squirt, you will find that she may well have some sexual inhibitions you never knew about….

When you combine this with the fact that many women are pretty insecure about their appearance anyway, you begin to get a sense of how much responsibility you, the man, carry in the bedroom.

Woman touching herself sexually
Freedom from inhibitions abut the female genitals is essential for good sex

Common female problems include embarrassment about her genitals, perhaps even shame about them. As always, what she needs from you is reassurance about how attractive you find that part of her body, how the smell, the taste, the look, and the feel of her genitals turns you on, how exciting you find her body, and how you love exploring it.

Women, as we’ve already seen, need lots of reassurance on a fairly regular basis, and nowhere is this more true than in the bedroom when the lights are on and the clothes are off.

(If you happen to want to know more about sex then I strongly suggest you look here – sex and relationships advice. You need to expect to be aroused – your arousal serves as an adjunct to pleasuring her and it is natural and good.)

Couple arguing in bedroom
When couples argue or judge each other, sexual connection and happiness is often the first casualty.

I’ve already referred to the importance of non-judgment in relationships. Nowhere is this more true than in the area of sexuality.

Mutual support includes gentle encouragement, compassion, understanding, and tolerance. It doesn’t include putting somebody down for what they do in the bedroom, for their sexual tastes, for their attempts to make sex enjoyable for you, or for their inability to reach orgasm on demand.